By Kit Klaes

Though I finished my third Freshers’ Week having gone out/consumed alcohol every single night, as I reflect on the week: I admit defeat. I sadly am no longer the vivacious youth that I once was. The idea of a cheeky nandos and movie night entices me more than my regularly opted for nights with Pablo(s). Nevertheless, freshers’ week is something we all do and love, even if we wake up the next day consumed with guilt and regret. I’ve decided to list the five tips I’ve learned from Freshers’ Week 2015 in an attempt to educate and inspire you in your future re-freshers’ endeavours.

1) Always bring along a despicable acquaintance. Quite frankly, we all have these people in our lives. You don’t like to talk to them because they think they’re way cooler than they actually are, and none of your friends/ nobody in general likes them. But you must always, I repeat, always invite them out. Why? Because you can be reassured that no matter how horrible your decisions are, they definitely did something worse. Subsequently, when you’re chugging Gatorade the next morning and suffering flashbacks of the Footloose dance you did whilst wearing a hat that read “VIRGIN,” you’ll be comforted when you hear what atrocious acts they did as well. You may be equally heinous, but at least you’re in it together.

2) Time your evening in advance. Yeah it’s important to get to the Union before doors close, but what I’m talking about is way more important. My single biggest regret of Freshers’ was forgetting that though the Union was open until 3am, Empire and Dervish were not. After a long night out all I’m looking for is some lovin and some comfort in the form of hot, succulent chicken nuggets. Do you know how disappointing it is to go home with no man, no adopted children, AND no chicken nuggets? {Also unacceptable that rude strangers were not willing to share with me. I’m not above offering money for your nuggets, but don’t give me such a disgusted glare.}

3) Aim for tens (on the sexy scale). If you’re out for the pull, treat yourself- aim for people you wouldn’t normally consider talking to. General rule of thumb is that drunk 10s make sober 5s- enough said.

4) Honesty is not always the best policy. Cool third years disappear if they discover that you’re not a fresher, but who knows where saying YES to a dangerous, new opportunity can take you? Tell that 3rd year that you’re a 1st year, and mama may wake up with a man bun, or hell- I’d settle for a Cinnabon. But you scamper off when I admit that I too am a third year you cannot adopt. And sure- maybe telling you “I’ve got a blank space, baby” was a bit much for minute two of our convo, but there are fun non-freshers out there to encounter too. So yeah, maybe you can’t adopt me. Maybe my breath stinks of fireball, and my dad stalks you on social media, but I’m a surprisingly solid shiatsu masseuse with a philanthropic approach to buying messy bombs. Keep chatting, and you may surprise yourself.

5) Allow yourself a day of rest. Or don’t. I didn’t. But I’m also writing this from my bed, stricken with strep throat and surrounded by tissues, an empty bank account, and shattered dreams- you decide.

Have fun, be safe, make smart choices- all that generic advice. But most importantly, don’t be afraid to be yourself. 9 times out of 10, you won’t remember any huge mistakes. The other time, the strangers won’t remember. Either way, you’re in the clear.